How’s this for a diet that is guaranteed to work – become a minor celebrity, try to revive your career by going to the jungle for a couple of weeks, subsist on a diet of kangaroo anuses (anusi?) and bugs and lose pounds.
Yes, those tragic has-beens on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here have reported that they are losing weight extremely quickly thanks to the measly rations they’ve been receiving. On average each of the –erm – stars has lost an average of 19 lbs, or over a stone, in 18 days.
Snooker player Jimmy White has been the biggest loser, going from 15st 10lb to 14st 2lb during his time in the camp. He has vowed to keep the weight off, while interior designer Justin Ryan has dropped 1st 7lb. He squeaked, “Oh my God, have you any idea how much I’ve spent on milkshake drinks!”. Mazel tov to both of them. Solidly-built Kim Woodburn, whose claim to fame is that she really likes cleaning and talking about poo (maybe my mum has a glittering career ahead of her), lost the same amount.
Sadly however the minimal calories are playing havoc with the contestant’s sanity. After they won a cream tea for answering a ‘celebrity chest question’ they were distraught to discover they were meant to share THREE SCONES BETWEEN FIVE OF THEM. . Good god, the injustice. Their distress was so great a mutiny was threatened. Chef Gino D’Acampo impassionedly declaimed, “ I want my five scones with jam and cream and I want tea. If I don’t get that I will convince everybody to take the mike off...and you know I have the power to do that.’ Powerful rhetoric there, unknown TV chef person.
So, if the diet sounds appealing, we have some suggestions as to how you can get into the jungle in time for the next series. Clean a lot and talk about cleaning a lot. Get some enormous boob implants and flash them at people in sleazy clubs. Chase the money in your twilight years, when by rights you should be watching Antiques Road Show with a nice gin and tonic. Get hair extensions. Fake tan. Hook up with a footballer and then trash him in the papers. Um....
Well, before we all go off to fulfil our dreams of global fame, in breaking news – the terrible injustice was rectified and they all got a scone. Phew, I was really worried for them.